Manchester United next manager options are the only question on everyone’s mind. Right. Another manager gone. Another press release digested. Another “fresh start” everyone pretends to believe in for about 48 hours.
Which brings us to the only question that ever matters at Manchester United, who’s next, and how long before we turn on them?
Our answer is simple: Roberto De Zerbi. Or don’t bother.
If Manchester United are serious, and yes, we laughed typing that, then Roberto De Zerbi is the appointment.
Fiery. Aggressive. Slightly unhinged in the way all good coaches are. De Zerbi doesn’t do “calm transitions” or “managed decline.” He does touchline chaos, positional obsession, and football that looks like it might explode at any moment.
Kevin-Prince Boateng once said De Zerbi was the best coach he ever worked with. Now, is Kevin-Prince Boateng the gold standard of football analysis? Absolutely not. But he has been managed by roughly everyone, across every level of footballing sanity, so frankly we’ll take it.
De Zerbi took Brighton. Brighton – and turned them into a team that outplayed so-called giants without apologising for it. Patterns. Pressing. Players who actually look coached. Imagine that.
He’s doing wonderfully well now too at Marseille, proving that Brighton wasn’t a fluke.
At United, it would be box office. Touchline meltdowns. Tactical risk. Actual identity. And yes, the occasional implosion. But at least it would mean something.
For us at The Update, it’s De Zerbi or no one.
Go flat out, United. For once.
Mauricio Pochettino? Fine. We get it. High pressing, man-management, nearly moments. The nearly man of modern football.
Unai Emery? Brilliant coach. Meticulous. Tactical savant. Also someone who would probably age ten years inside six months at Old Trafford.
Both are excellent. Both would improve United. Both would still be fighting the same institutional nonsense from day one.
Which is why, again, De Zerbi makes sense. He wouldn’t blend in. He wouldn’t soften. He wouldn’t play nice.
And that alone feels radical at Manchester United.
Now for the reality check: INEOS
Here’s the problem. A massive one.
INEOS will be making this decision.
And as we’ve covered repeatedly on this site, forays into sporting enterprises by Brexit Jim have been… let’s be kind and say mediocre. At best.
So what are the chances they get this right? Slim. And even if they do, even if they bring in the spiky Italian with the wild eyes and the complex build-up patterns, what are the chances they give him time?
Because the moment results wobble, the noise starts. Former United legends with microphones. Touchscreen punditry. “He’s too intense.” “The players look confused.” “Is this the United way?”
Why not just hire the full cast of The Overlap while you’re at it? That’ll fix it, Jim. Stick them on the bench. Let them rotate the blame weekly.
The inevitable ending (we’ve seen this film)
Here’s how this usually goes:
• New manager announced
• Club briefs patience
• Fans argue online about formations
• Former players get “concerned”
• Results dip
• Board panics
• Manager sacrificed
• Repeat
So yes, we want De Zerbi. Loudly. Unapologetically.
But we also know Manchester United have a unique ability to ruin good ideas before they’re finished explaining themselves.
And that’s the real tragedy.
Not who they hire.
But how quickly they decide it hasn’t worked.
