By The Red Devil Ranter
The more things change at Manchester United, the more they stay exactly the same.
It’s like watching the same car crash on repeat, only now with better CGI, a Hans Zimmer score, and three post-credit scenes teasing the sequel to the crash.
Let’s take a quick look around the league, shall we?
Arsenal
They finished second, collapsed down the home stretch (as is tradition), and had their fans crying about injuries, referees, fixture congestion, and why Arteta’s lightbulb isn’t working.
So what did they do? Signed eight players. Eight. Strengthened every weak spot and then some.
Petitions? Signed.
Entitlement? Unmatched.
Squad? Somehow better.
Man City
Pep had his worst season since the invention of the bloody backpass. And what did Bald Fraud do?
January: signed five.
June: signed seven more, because why not.
They can now field two entirely different teams that would both beat us 4–0 on a bad day, and they’d probably swap keepers just to keep it interesting.
Liverpool
Won the league. Equalled our sacred 20 titles. (Yeah, let that one sink in: 20.)
Lost to PSG on penalties after being the better side, so what’s their response?
Signed a future Ballon d’Or contender, the best left-back in the Bundesliga, and a right wing-back who can also play winger, No. 10, and part-time dog walker.
Oh, and just for fun, got rejected by Newcastle for Isak… then signed Isak anyway. Because that’s what functional clubs do.
Meanwhile, at the Theatre of Sleep…
We finished 15th. Yes. FIFTEENTH.
Let me say that one more time for the people in the back: 15TH.
And what’s our grand response to that horror show?
Well… we’ve signed Cunha. We’ve signed Mbeumo. And now…drumroll…we’ve signed Benjamin Šeško.
Look, I actually like Šeško. Young, tall, quick, can actually score goals without needing a PowerPoint presentation to explain where the net is. But let’s not pretend this was part of some master plan. No, this was:
- Panic because the fanbase was losing its mind.
- Remember we needed a striker at some point.
- Throw €80m at Leipzig and hope for the best.
Šeško could be brilliant. He could also spend the season trying to figure out how to get service from a midfield that thinks “throughball” is a brand of pasta.
So Now What? Just Vibes?
We’re being told that a few uninterrupted training sessions with a squad built for 4-2-3-1, or maybe a 4-3-3 if you squint hard enough, is now going to magically master a 3-4-3?
Nah. Try 5-3-2, because our wing-backs are about as adventurous as a teabag. Half the time it looks like they’re holding hands in a low block, singing Kumbaya, while the midfield’s desperately looking for someone – anyone – to pass to.
INEOS: Nice Guys Finish 15th
As for Sir Jim and his INEOS crew? Respect the F1 hustle (zero titles), cycling grind (zero yellow jerseys), and their sailing dreams (don’t ask). But this is football. Manchester Bloody United.
I’ve seen nothing, NOTHING, from their time at Nice or Lausanne to suggest they can turn this ship around.
Other Clubs vs Us
Other clubs rebuild.
We recycle.
Other clubs sign talent.
We hoard ill-fitting spare parts at the whim of whichever manager’s flavour of the month is trending.
Other clubs have structure.
We’ve got “trust the process” merch drops and a striker who may or may not be wondering why the hell he left a functioning Bundesliga attack for our version of tactical roulette.
Unless something changes – fast – Šeško’s going to be feeding off scraps, Crystal Palace and friends will be breathing down our necks again, and 15th place will start to feel… familiar.
Wake up, United. Before “underperforming giant” stops being a joke and starts being our permanent identity.
