By The Arsenal Addict – Live from the alternative timeline where marble halls > marble debt.
Forget the Emirates.
Forget the naming rights.
Forget the half-empty corporate seats and £9 pints of tepid lager.
In this timeline, we never left Highbury.
That beautiful art deco cathedral of football?
Still ours. Still rocking. Still putting fear into visiting defences and referees alike.
No stadium debt. No austerity transfer windows. No selling your best player every other summer like it’s a clearance sale at Blockbuster.
What Does That Mean?
It means Ashley Cole never becomes Cashley Cole.
Chelsea try to tempt him with lunch in a car park, but we hit back with wages, loyalty, and a left-back partner called Patrick flipping Vieira whispering, “Don’t do it, bro.”
He stays. We keep the core.
Henry signs that contract extension.
Fabregas never looks longingly at Barcelona.
Van Persie doesn’t flee north like he’s avoiding council tax.
Oh -and Arsène?
He gets the war chest he deserved post-Invincibles.
Transfers? We Went Mad.
• Ronaldinho – signs for the sauce.
• Yaya Touré – joins his brother, eats midfielders alive.
• Zlatan – he lets us try him on trial this time.
And because we’re rich, relevant, and rolling in it – Eden Hazard chooses us over Chelsea.
He plays in red, not blue. And he never tweets “LOL” at us.
And The Glory?
Three league titles by 2011.
A Champions League in 2008 (beating United in the semi, obviously).
Wenger is knighted.
Sp*rs become a Championship side in protest.
Meanwhile, United crumble under Jose’s mind games.
City never quite break through because they’re always finishing 2nd to us.
And Chelsea?
Ashley Cole’s greatest contribution to their history is not happening.
Final Thought From the Addict
Highbury was more than bricks and grass.
It was home. And in this reality -we stayed home, kept our stars, spent our millions, and built a dynasty instead of a debt trap.
The Emirates was a mortgage.
Highbury?
Highbury was immortality.
Coming up next: Parallel Files II – The One Where Eduardo Doesn’t Get Snapped in Half and We Go Invincible Again.
