By The Red Devil Ranter – currently living in a timeline where United aren’t run like a GCSE Business Studies project.
Let’s set the scene.
The year is 2012. Fergie’s about to call it a day. David Gill’s leaving too. And Ed “Spreadsheet Enthusiast” Woodward sees the power vacuum and thinks: “Yes, this is my moment.”
In our real, miserable world, Ed does the unthinkable: he gives himself control of football operations.
The result? A decade of chaos, clownery, and commercial “success” while our midfield gets outplayed by Burnley’s B-team.
But not in this universe.
Because here, Ed does the un-Woodwardian thing.
He hires… a sporting director.
A real one.
Not a banker. Not a part-time accountant.
Someone who knows what a “double pivot” is without Googling it.
2012: Enter Monchi. Or Campos. Or literally anyone who’s ever watched a game.
Imagine it.
United bring in a competent DOF.
Recruitment becomes strategic.
We stop spending £60m on midfielders with no knees and £85m on wingers who forget how to dribble.
Fergie retires in 2013, but he leaves behind a proper football structure, not a Frankenstein’s monster run by a marketing exec in a tailored suit.
We sign Kroos in 2014. We don’t chase Fabregas for 2 months just to find out he never wanted to come.
We don’t hand Louis van Gaal £150m to play Ashley Young at left-back.
And we definitely don’t let Ed Woodward have a say in anything other than negotiating noodle sponsorships in Jakarta.
The Results? Glorious.
- Titles in 2015, 2017, and 2019
- No memes about “The United Way” featuring Phil Jones’ face
- No 500k-a-week wages for players with fewer goals than Steve Bruce
- Mbappé? Signed.
- Haaland? Sniffed out early.
- Bruno and Sancho? Bought at the right time for half the price
Woodward: A Business School Warning
Back in our reality, Ed Woodward is arguably the single biggest contributor to United’s decade-long collapse.
There should be case studies in universities.
Modules titled: “How to Mismanage a Global Brand While Smiling at Shareholders.”
Moral of the Multiverse
One smart hire in 2012 and we could’ve been the modern-day Bayern.
Instead, we became a cash cow with a mascot and a midfield made of toast.
So here’s to the alternate timeline –
Where Ed Woodward stayed in his bloody lane.
And Manchester United?
Stayed elite.
