By The Red Devil Ranter
Gabriel Jesus – The Tap-In Terminator
Let’s be honest: he looks like he should be delivering your Amazon package, not dunking on United defenders at the Etihad.
But he did. Multiple times.
The worst bit? He always smiled like he was just happy to be here – right before sending our backline to the gulag.
Ranter memory: That 4-1 game where he celebrated like it was a Sunday stroll and we were playing with traffic cones.
Ronaldo (The Real One) – Hat-Trick Heartbreaker
Not Cristiano. Not stepovers. Not gym-core. I’m talking O Fenômeno.
Even with dodgy knees and that heavy frame, he turned Old Trafford into his personal samba stage.
That night in 2003 when he smashed a hat-trick for Real Madrid in a 4-3 loss that still felt like our funeral. We actually applauded him off. Yes, United fans clapped a man who just murdered us. I was there. I clapped too. Through tears.
Ranter memory: Standing in the Stretford End, screaming inside while giving him a standing ovation. Betrayal has never felt so respectful.
Ronaldinho – Sorcerer Supreme (Nightmare Edition)
We never even got his peak version…and it was still terrifying. That goal against Chelsea? That toe-poke vs everyone? That laugh?
Ranter memory: Not even a United match. Just me watching him at the Camp Nou and thinking, we’ll never sign someone that fun. Spoiler: We still haven’t.
Roberto Firmino – No Look, No Mercy
The teeth. The tattoos. The Samba shuffle. And somehow, still one of the most intelligent forwards to grace the Prem.
He didn’t just beat us – he looked bored doing it. And then did a no-look finish just to ruin your weekend and your haircut.
Ranter memory: That 5-0 demolition at Old Trafford. He didn’t even sweat. I cried twice.
Casemiro – From Madrid Monster to Manchester Museum Piece
Look, I love him. Genuinely.
Five Champions Leagues. Elite destroyer. Rock. Legend.
But that was Madrid Casemiro.
The one we got? Reincarnated Matic with a sprint setting of 0.5x.
Still love him. Still clapping. But every time he chases a counterattack like a pensioner chasing a bus, I age 10 years.
Ranter memory: That debut vs Everton where he looked like a saviour. Then fast forward to 2024 and he’s sliding into the abyss while Brighton walk it in.
The Final Samba Scream
Brazilian players are like United transfer windows, unpredictable, thrilling, and mostly there to break your heart.
Some danced past us. Some danced for us.
But all of them made damn sure we felt it.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to cry about Kleberson again.
