By The Update – We Love the Spirit of Cricket, Especially When It’s in Full Petty Mode
Cricket might be the gentleman’s game, but when the gloves are off and the banter begins, it becomes the Shakespeare of savagery. From lip to stump mic, here are The Update’s Top 5 Cricket Sledges of All Time, delivered with enough spice to make a ghost pepper sweat.
McGrath vs Eddo Brandes – Zimbabwe’s Greatest Victory
McGrath (snarling, classic Aussie alpha mode):
“Hey Brandes, why are you so f***ing fat?”
Brandes, an icon of deadpan delivery:
“Because every time I shag your wife, she gives me a biscuit.”
The Update Verdict:
They say Zimbabwe never made much noise on the world stage. They lied. This was a five-word demolition job. Better than winning a Test match. Five stars, one biscuit.
Ian Botham vs Rod Marsh / Les Healey (allegedly)
Marsh: “How’s your wife and my kids?”
Botham, with the nuclear response (to Les Healey):
“The wife’s fine. The kids are r******d.”
The Update Verdict:
We’re not condoning this one – it’s properly brutal and beyond the line – but it lives in sledging infamy. Botham went full pub brawl with that comeback. Cancelled by today’s standards, canonised in 80s locker rooms.
Sangakkara vs Shaun Pollock – Wordsmith Wizardry in Whites
During a tense match in South Africa, Sanga unleashed a barrage while Pollock nervously tapped his bat:
Sangakkara (to Pollock):
“Shaun, your mother’s here to watch you bat. Number eleven watching number nine. What a family reunion.”
The Update Verdict:
Sanga is the thinking man’s savage. Didn’t raise his voice. Just buried Pollock under a pile of sarcasm. Poetry in sledge form. The family barbecue was never the same.
Viv Richards vs Greg Thomas – Royal Swagger
Thomas (after beating Richards outside off):
“It’s red, it’s round, and it weighs five ounces, in case you were wondering.”
Viv Richards, next ball, smashes him into the car park:
“You know what it looks like, now go fetch it.”
The Update Verdict:
The King didn’t speak often, but when he did, it was gospel. That sledge still echoes in the minds of fast bowlers and physics teachers alike.
Merv Hughes vs Robin Smith – Peak Aussie Brilliance
Hughes: “You can’t f***ing bat.”
Smith belts him for four next ball.
Smith: “We make a good pair, Merv. I can’t fing bat, and you can’t fing bowl.”
The Update Verdict:
This is it. Peak sledge. Mutual disrespect, perfectly timed comebacks, and cricket doing what cricket does best – becoming a chat room with LBWs. The Shakespeare of sledging.
Honourable Mention: Steve Waugh’s Entire Existence
He made silence the ultimate sledge. Ice-cold stare. No words. Just judgment.
The Update’s Final Word:
The ball might do the talking, but the mouth has a 50-year highlight reel.
And if we ever get into a fight, we want Viv Richards, Sangakkara, and a biscuit-wielding Eddo Brandes on our side.
Let’s keep cricket spicy.
